Welcome back! Let’s jump right in, shall we?
The episode starts out with Chris Harrsion informing the ladies that Chris’ sister’s will be coming to the mansion to choose the only one-on-one date this week. And I think this is a great idea. Make them sweat a little.
Moving right along, the first group date has the girls going to the lake. Some girls are stoked, and some not so much. And some wear outfits like this to show what wife-material looks like…
And most don’t.
This date is basically just a bikini fest with every activity being done in a two-piece and this makes me feel awkward. Can you even imagine? On TV in front of millions?
Before we know it Ashley from the Block says she needs to “figure out a way to break out of her shyness” so she takes off her bikini top and flings herself in the lake because she is a #classact.
Kaitlyn Mileymouth then decides to one up her and she takes her bottoms off and does the same, which disgusts most of America. 
Chris is hootin’ and hollarin’ as this is going down which tells us that dignity and self-respect will not make it to the end in this show.
Fast-forward back to the mansion and the sisters show up to choose who goes on the one-on-one.
Jacked and Tan Jillian is passed out by the pool and I just don’t get how that happens. She is like droolin’ passed out. Near water.
The sisters interview the girls and here are the highlights:
-Jade is super sweet and the sisters love that she launched her own organic make-up company. They basically eat up everything she says.
– Carly reveals to the sisters that she has never had a guy be very nice to her. She speaks highly of her Grandpa, but nothing about her dad which makes me so sad for her.
– Britt tells the sisters she is the front runner and is confident, which was so dumb of her to say. Why would they give the date to that?
Fast-forward back to the group date and the girls are playing Red Rover and horrible childhood memories come flooding back of the wind getting knocked out of me and laying on the ground in pain.
And not only that, but they’re still in their bikinis. Running in bikinis….. #Iquit.
Kelsey hates everything about this date and says “this is absurd” and that her “face is getting skinnier from fake smiling.” She also says she wants to stab her eye out. #doit
Chris then informs the girls that they’re going to be staying overnight camping and Kelsey almost has a temper tantrum.
She then gets stung by a bee and I say #haha
Fast-forward back to the mansion and the date card arrives and it’s a special envelope with gold paper and is written as if it’s a little fairy tale. Jade is the chosen one and she will be going to a royal ball from 8 pm until the last stroke of midnight and that the prince doesn’t know she is coming.
And oh. em. gee. The girls are JEALOUS as all can be.
It DOES sound pretty fabulous, I must say.
Fast-forward back to the camping date and Kelsey is just a miserable lump of coal when Chris isn’t around, and the moment he comes by she is all giggles and lollipos and I loathe her laugh.
LOATHE.
The drinks are flowing, camp songs are being sung, MacNosie is talking about aliens again, Ashley S. is also on her special drugs and reveals to Chris that she loves him. And he stares back at her.
Chris gives the rose to Kaitlyn Mileymouth and this sends Ashley from the Block over the edge. She tells the camera that she is going to tell him that she is a virgin and that she has never had a boyfriend and basically if he knew all of this it would change everything.
EVERYTHING!
So she wakes Chris up from a drunken slumber and starts out by telling him how innocent she is and that people think she is different than she really is based on her looks, but never comes out saying she is a virgin. She then says to the camera that she isn’t a hook-up girl, but rather wife material as she is seen sucking the face off Chris.
Fast-forward back to the house and Ashley from the Block learns about Jade being chosen for the date and she can’t even handle it. Then a whole team of beauty experts whisk Jade away and pamper the crap out of her. Gowns, glass slippers, diamonds, make-up, hair. The whole thing.
And the other girls DIE
So much so that Ashley from the Block gets in her own princess gown and says she specifically brought her own dress for such a date while she wallows in champagne and corn by herself.
#poorsap
Jade arrives at the ball and she does look stunning.
They have an intimate dinner followed by dancing to a live orchestra. And this would make me sweat a little bit as they are front and center.
During this scene The Hubby and I notice a back tat on her, though. Covered up, yes, but not well enough.
And this totally changes our perception of her a little bit. Because we also previously noticed two other tattoos on her foot. Not that tattoos mean anything but from her previous encounter with Chris on the bed in stripper heels, to hidden tattoos, I am thinking there is more to this girl than she leads on.
Once midnight strikes she runs away just like Cinderella and yeah. That would be cool.
Fast-forward to the next group date and six of these girls are given wedding dresses. They put these on and are then taken to an obstacle course where they will be running, jumping, and climbing through mud. Jacked and Tan Jillian goes from crappy to happy real quick when she realizes she gets to bulldoze the other ladies.
And that is exactly what she does.
What she doesn’t realize though is that she also left Chris in the dust who is staying behind to help some of the ladies, getting more time with them.
BUT, she does get to finish the date alone with Chris. And while she could have sealed the deal with that alone time, she instead uses it to tell Chris she has no future plans and goes on-and-on about her muscle mania, so much so that Chris finds himself tuning her out. #notgood.
To top it off she ends the night talking about having sh*t in her teeth and asking him if he’d rather have sex with a nasty bum or abstain for 5 years. And he responds with picking up the rose and letting her know he’s just not feelin’ it.
She cries, which is surprising, and he sends her down the elevator to go home. #ByebyeJackedandTan
Fast-forward back to the cocktail party and the first girl to get his attention is Megan and she pulls a blindfold out from between her giant boobs and blindfolds him. She then gets some fruit and chocolate and does a little taste test with him, which to me seems just okay, but The Hubby LOVES this idea. As in….. #noted.
Ashley from the Block then concludes Chris did NOT get the message that she is a virgin, which is super important, so she pulls him aside and tells him. And sure, he is surprised, but says he thinks it is great and that he respects her decision. She breathes a heavy sigh of relief and when they part ways she starts freaking out because he didn’t kiss her.
She also says she doesn’t want him to respect her THAT much. And she is bawling over it.
And I just couldn’t even be this girl’s friend.
Ashley from the block then sits down with the rest of the girls to reveal her BIG announcement and most of the girls are absolutely shocked. And then Becca quietly says, “I am a virgin, too.” like it”s no big deal. And MAN I LIKE THIS GIRL! #BOOM!
Britt then gets all paranoid and pulls Chris aside and tells him things she is hearing are concerning. And that she heard some of the girls were getting undressed on the group date and wants to know “why those actions are being validated.” And the whole way she approaches him about this is all wrong. She basically cornered him and then word slapped the heck out of him.
He doesn’t take this well and fumbles over his words before getting up and leaves her in the dust. #hemad
Chris then approaches the girls and tells them that he is here to find a wife and that if anyone questions it, they are welcome to go home. #boombitches
Fast-forward to the rose ceremony and the girls who we expect to be chosen, are, but to punish Britt for word-punching him, he chooses her last, making her sweat bullets.
And he FINALLY sends home Ashley S. (#abouttime) as well as Juelian and a girl in a red dress I have hardly seen. I think her name is Nikki because she has been liking my Bachelor Instagram posts. Booyah!
Whew!
That’s it for this week! Thanks for following along on this little Bachelor journey!
