THIS episode begins with a one-on-one date with Becca. They don’t do ANYTHING except go to the loft where he is staying and sit on the couch and talk. Chris tells us he wants to take things slow with Becca and they do just that. Like they hardly move. #snoooooooooze
On this little couch sitting sesh we learn that Becca has previously been in an on-and-off relationship for FOUR years and has NEVER been in love.
Those must have been some LONG years!
Fast-forward back to the house and we learn that Britt is embarrassed by her actions in the last episode and tells the girls that she is going home. That nothing can change her mind. Well, there is a 1% chance where something can change her mind. #becausedesperate
But, she first wants to talk to Chris at the cocktail party so she can get some closure and hear if he has anything to say. And the girls call this one right off the bat. She just wants Chris to beg for her to stay and give her a rose right then and there as assurance. #becausedesperate
Well. Chris Harrison comes in and tells the girls that there will NOT be a cocktail party since Chris knows what he wants to do, and this doesn’t really freak out anyone except for Britt. I mean she be like…
Fast-forward to the rose ceremony and before it even begins Britt asks to speak to Chris in which he agrees. She starts off by apologizing for her actions but he doesn’t have it. He lets her know that some girls in the house have told him that she has been lying and she denies, denies, denies. But, it’s not enough. He gives her the boot and man oh man. I have never seen someone cry like that after one of these. She is loud crying in the bushes and can be heard inside.
The rose ceremony continues and sadly, Carly goes home. And since she already has bad experiences with men rejecting her, I totally feel so bad for her. I really was hoping she would make it longer. Next Bachelorette? I mean, I know she can be a little harsh at times, but this girl NEEDS SOME LOVIN’!
Okay, hometowns!
Becca’s hometown is up first and they go to Louisianna. And when they greet one another she gallops up into his arms and looks like an awkward galoot up there. Now, I am a fellow tall girl so I feel like I can say this. #biggirlproblems
Like, this is how I think I look…
And this is more reality…
Becca takes him home and we learn that she has never brought a man home. Then, Chris sits down with her big sister and she outs Becca by saying that not only has she never brought a man home, but that she doesn’t like to be touched, doesn’t show affection, and basically wants nothing to do with romance.
Chris then talks to his mom and she expresses that she is just beyond shocked seeing Becca holding his hand. A hand-holding! So she tells Chris not to break her heart and to let her down gently if so. The night usually ends here, but Chris surprises Becca and takes her to a ferris wheel where they make out the entire time as they go round and round, Now, for someone who doesn’t like intimacy, she was being REAL intimate.
She then tells the camera that if this feeling she is feeling is love, then she will look back one day and pinpoint this day as the day she started feeling it for Chris.
Next up is Whitbird’s date, and they are in Chicago. She asks him if they want to go make a baby, and they go to her office where she is a fertility nurse. She shows him around, how the magic happens and then asks him to go into the man room so she can obtain a sample to test his man juice.
He is nervous, doing that awkward man-giggle he does, and just waits for the next step. She finally tells him she is joking and he breaths a huge sigh of relief. #putawaythePlayboys
He goes to meet her family and we are reminded that her mother has passed and dad was never in the picture. So, the sister is the one to ask for a blessing. And when he sits down to ask for that blessing, she does not give it. She tells him to call her when Whitbird is the only one for him.
The mood is a little somber, until Whitbird brings on the waterworks. She busts out this wine bottle that she bought a few years ago, something that was out of her price range, and she tells him that she bought this bottle only to share with her future husband and that she wants to share it with him. And then through tears and a shaky voice, she tells him that she 100% is in love with him. No doubt about it, and they passionately kiss. Chris tells us he is glad Whitbird told him this and that it feels good.
Next up is Mileymouth and she takes him to Canada. She takes Chris to a recording studio where they are going to write and record a rap song. And Chris is HORRIBLE. But I can’t blame him, because I would be, too.
They then go to her house and when Mileymouth is talking to her mom she tells him that she “hearts” him. And I just don’t think this is the right match for Chris. What would she rap about in Arlington?
“YO Y O YO, WASSUP Cow?
I ended up here and I don’t know how.
I’m a rapper in a farmland, now don’t you see?
You’d better pay up, yo, ain’t nothin’ for free!”
#puregold
As Chris is about to leave, she surprises him with a billboard that says “Kaitlyn (insert heart) Chris” and he genuinely seems so happy to see the billboard. He hoists her up in the air for a love-hug and is a happy hippo.
He’s not big. I just am feeling very rappy right now.
Rappy happy. Ha!
(Side note, (a very random side-note) I have my husband next to me chirping things like, “Do you know what the opposite of irony is?” in which I reply no….. and he says, “Wrinkly!” Get it?)
The last date is in Nebraska with Touche Jade and they jump right in to the family-portion of the date. Chris is sitting down with her dad and brother and they all hint to Chris about what a wild card she is. They even refer to her as a “wild mustang” and he tells the camera that he thinks there is a side to her that he hasn’t seen.
And YEP! I would definitely agree! There SURE is.
Then when Jade’s dad is talking to her he tells her that he wants her to be with someone who supports her lifestyle. Someone who loves her for who she is and doesn’t judge.
And I wonder… I just… wonder….
Alright, I am about to get deep on you here.
Remember that photo of Jade as she was playing Cinderella on that previous date? The one where you could see her tattoo being covered up by make-up on her back? Well. I think this is a metaphor for who Jade really is. That no matter how much make-up she puts on, her true “Wild stallion” will always shine through.
BOOM.
The date is not over and Touche Jade takes him to a hotel room (weird?) and tells him that yes, she did have a wild past. And after some pausing and silence, she finally fesses up and says that she did indeed pose for play-boy.
And then asks him if he wants to SEE the photos! And he is silent for a while before saying that today is about her and that if it would make her happy then “sure….”
So she gets all giggly, which seems weird to me, and busts out the laptop and shows him the “less risque” photos and then a VIDEO which has full-frontal nudity.
And he is UN-comfortable! And she is almost beaming. #twisted
Afterward, she waits for his reaction and he tells her that her past doesn’t define her and that it isn’t a deal breaker for him.
OH COME- ON!
“Hi, Mom! Here is my nude wife and future mother of my children! Would you like to see her boobs, Dad? They’re online. Check them out.”
Fast-forward to the rose ceremony and Whitbird is called first, followed by Kaitlyn…. and then I get worried! Do NOT get rid of Becca!’
And the final rose goes to….Becca.
WHEW!
And Touche Jade. We knew all along something wasn’t quite right with you. You are a wild girl at heart and are just not the right fit for Chris.#byebyeboobs
And as Chris shuts the door and watches Touche Jade drive away, he sheds a few tears. He will just never get to see the real deal. Sorry, Chris. So sorry.
End scene.
