The episode begins with the girls packing up and moving to Santa Fe, New Mexico. And after the hootin’ and hollarin’, All Brains, No Beauty Megan says that she is so excited because “It’s like a beach resort place” and that she has never been out of the country before.
And I smile at her.
Fast-forward to the first one-on-one date and it is with Carly. And she is SO excited and says, “I didn’t think this was going to happen at all…” And Britt says…
As she watches her in envy.
Carly and Chris go to a house and meet up with a love guru. Picture incense, drapey scarves, feather earrings and a nose piercing. She also said she is there to bring more juiciness into relationships and I cringe at that word. Juiciness.
Chris and Carly change into white cotton clothing and before I know it they are moaning at each other with their eyes closed and I immediately get super uncomfortable.
The Guru then asks Carly to blindfold Chris and she isn’t allowed to speak, but instead must use her breath and touch to make her way around his body.
And now I am sweating.
She then is asked to smell him and now I am dying a little bit inside.
And when she rubs chocolate over his lips and leaves it there for him to look like my two year old after lunch, I snort-laugh.
Chris is then supposed to massage her thighs while in downward dog and I am PRAYING she doesn’t pass gas.
THEN, they’re asked to “de-robe” one another and my eyes just about pop out of my head.
They get shirts off…. and the pants are following soon after and thank GOODNESS Carly stops it all with Chris agreeing that it’s super uncomfortable.
So instead, the guru has Carly sit on his lap facing forward and they are to rub and breathe their hot, and hopefully minty, breath on each other without kissing. Can you imagine doing this with someone right after eating lunch? Or just doing this…period?!
But then suddenly it sort-of becomes sweet and I am rooting for them! And when finally allowed, they kiss it up. And Chris informs us that he feels more connected with her than he ever has. And one thing I can’t stop looking at during this scene is how small Carly’s hands are. They’re itty bitty! But maybe I am just comparing them to my hands. Which are LONG. I have long hands.
Next, Carly and Chris go to a romantic little cabin and while sitting in front of the fire Carly tells us that her last boyfriend, the one she dated for two years, never wanted to touch her. For two years. And this of course messed with her head and as she is describing this I feel so bad for this girl. Chris assures her of her worthiness and gives her a rose. And she goes up on my scale after this date.
Fast-forward to the girl’s back at the house and Kelsey is telling a few of the girls her story. She was married almost a year and a half ago and her husband was walking to work one sunny morning when a block from their house he collapsed and died
And she is telling this story nonchalantly and how having going through all of this has made her such a strong person. And not a tear is shed.
Red flag. BIG. RED. FLAG.
Fast-forward to the group date and the girls are going white water rafting. And they do go over some pretty wild rapids and Jade takes a spill.
And strangely, Jade then informs us that she has a condition where her body goes into hypothermia under “normal” conditions. And some of the girls point out that they too would have taken a spill to receive special rub-downs from Chris to warm them up had they too had this condition which makes me think…. touche…
Well played, Jade. Well played…
You are now Touche Jade.
Fast-forward to the evening portion of the date and Jordan, the drunk 24 year old that got the boot a few weeks ago, shows up saying she drove from Colorado and wants a second chance.
And we all know this never works out. Didn’t she learn from the first girl that did this?
Anyway, he lets her stay which doesn’t sit well with “The Others.”
Ashley from the Block feels strongly that they shouldn’t be nice to Jordan and when voicing this to The Others, Whitbird takes the defense and they banter back and forth a little bit.
And then I would like to point out that these girls are not smart. Don’t they know the NUMBER ONE rule of The Bachelor is NOT to talk about other girls during their alone time? That is an automatic boot off the show and they are ALL doing it.
Dumbasses.
He ends up sending Jordan home and giving the group date rose to Whitbird. All of the other girls smile for her, except for Ashley from the Block. She is just such a sour puss and is a glaring machine in an ice-skating outfit which makes me do a double take.
She goes back to the room and is a big, crying, whiny mess as she bags on Whitbird saying he doesn’t see Chris with her and that he should be with someone “super real.”
You know, like her.
Fast-forward to the last one-on-one date and it is with Britt. We learn that Britt doesn’t shower that often and sleeps with her make-up on. Actually, she puts make-up ON before she goes to bed. So when Chris wakes her up at 4 in the morning for their date, he says she looks just as beautiful sleeping as she does right before a rose ceremony, and it makes me wonder.
Does he realize she has make-up on? Do men realize what is make-up and what isn’t? Do they?
Because I don’t think he does.
I am going to have to test this…
Carly is upset seeing Chris kissing Britt in her morning make-up and is bagging on her for wearing make-up to bed…. but upon closer look we see she too is in full make-up mode. Soo…… #makessense.
Chris takes Britt up in a hot air balloon and this is just awesome. I’d definitely like to do this at some point in my life.
They soar around. Make-out. And soar around some more before he takes her to his hotel room.
Fast-forward back to the girls and they’re all bagging on Britt for not showering and Ashley from the Block also informs the other girls that Britt told her and some other girls that she loves being single and that she’s not in a rush to marry or have kids.
Then, fast-forward back to the date and she tells Chris that she wants 100 babies.
Those were her words.
And I’d like to just see her have ONE.
Through flashing back and forth between both groups of people we learn that Britt may be one heck of an actress as I originally called! Remember?!
There really isn’t anything planned for this portion of the date, so they just make-out and the last thing we see is them closing the bedroom door after having a hot and heavy make-out session IN his bed. Under the sheets.
Once back, Britt tells the girls that they ordered room service and took a nap together.
This does not sit well with Kelsey so she decides to sneak off to his hotel room to pay him a surprise visit. She fears he is going to send her home, so she decides now is the most opportune time to tell him about her husband.
She gets to the room, sits him down and tells him the story of what happened and how now she has changed from overcoming the worst thing possible. And as he goes in for the hug, she does a sexual neck grip before going in for the awkward my-husband-just-died-now-let’s-kiss, kiss.
And then. I can’t even believe it. These words actually come out of her mouth…
She tells the camera, “I am just… Uh. Isn’t my story amazing? It’s… tragic. But it’s amazing. ..I love my story…”
You GUYS. I totally think she poisoned her husband so that she could go on this show and have the best “story.”
Actually, I think SANDERSON faked his own death to get away from her crazy ass and is now “Smanderson” in Protective Custody and is living underground selling beaded necklaces to cruise ship vacationers in Miami.
Boom. Calling it now.
The whole encounter is just creepy.
Fast-forward to the evening and while all the girls share with one another how nervous they are, Kelsey states how comfortable she is. Chris then walks in and spills the beans about how Kelsey came to see him which makes Kelsey say that she planned all along in telling them that she went to see him.
Chris is upset and asks for a moment alone which has all the girls worried. During this time Kelsey is going on and on about how precious life is and that not a moment should be wasted and that tonight she will have to say goodbye to other girls, not herself though, because SHE is staying.
Yep. She poisoned him.
Chris Harrison walks in and informs the ladies that the other Chris is too emotional and that his mind is made up and that he doesn’t want to have a cocktail party. And surprise, surprise, Ashley from the Block is upset that HER story pales in comparison to Kelsey’s story. And damnit! Why didn’t something worse happen to her!
Of course the ladies are upset, but now Kelsey flips a switch and becomes worried about her previous actions. She tells the girls that she doesn’t want to go to the rose ceremony and next thing we see is her having a panic attack on the floor with paramedics surrounding her as she is cry-wailing.
And then DAMNIT!
We get a “to-be-continued…..”
They do leave us with some funny blurbs showing All Brains, No Beauty Megan talking about Mexico which is pretty entertaing. And man. The previews for next week?
So good. I don’t know how you do it, ABC. But I am now anticipating your show for another WEEK.
Well done. Well done.
Thanks for stopping by!
Kelsey is crazy!!!! I think I bought a necklace from him in Miami haha