Baby Mamas, Moaning Tatas and a Whole Lotta Drama-Bachelor Recap

Hello! I realize not everyone is a Bachelor fan like myself, and I think you are all fools.
You are in luck, though, as I am about to do a little Bachelor recap from the first episode featuring Juan Pablo, one of the contestants from last season, so that you can feel like you were there the whole time.
You are welcome.
It begins with a little rundown of Juan Pablo’s life allowing us to know him as a person. We all know he is a doting dad and my heart melted when his daughter, Camila, called him “Papi!”

I think I am going to require Gwyn and Cal to call The Hubby, ‘Papi!’ from now on. We will work on the accents, too, because that’s about the best part.
While practicing my accent a thought popped into my head. I couldn’t help but wonder what Camila’s mom thinks about this whole thing.
There is her ex, on national TV being paraded around in his six pack with 27 women throwing themselves at him while he swaps spit with all but four of them in search for a step mom for their daughter.
HELL to the effing no. I just can’t imagine what that girl is thinking?! I want to talk with her.
Okay I just googled her.

(Photo from Twitter)
HOLY SMOKES! She is gorgeous! Like, wow. Good luck, future Mrs. Juan Pablo, you’re going to have to be around this FOR-E-VER.
Fast forward a bit to Juan Pablo…
You know what..
While I can appreciate having two first names, I just caught myself shortening it up a bit.
JuanPabs.
There you have it. From now on, he will be referred to as JuanPabs. I like it.
Fast forward a bit to JuanPabs talking with the last Bachelor, Sean Lowe, who gave him the advice not to make out with anyone in front of another girl.
That seems obvious.. but I am not a man and clearly I think different than those people.
Fast forward again to meeting the bachelorettes. I won’t be commenting on all of them, but the ones that speak to me.
Amy L. was the first giggling goat to pop out of the limo in a pretty stunning red dress. She then pulled a Kreepy Kasey B. from Ali’s season and gets all Poetry Patty on us by throwing her hand over heard and saying, “The sun could not set fast enough tonight. I’ve been so excited to see you.”

Mmmmk. That just happened.
Cassandra was next and she is the youngest contestant. It didn’t take long for she and JuanPabs to have the first awkward moment. It was about nine minutes long. Awkward staring. Awkward silent staring. Awkwardness all around.
I did like her dress, though.

Christy is next and she came out wearing a wedding gown. Sorry, girl, that’s been done. Okay maybe it wasn’t a real wedding gown but it was stark white and she also wore a tiara thing. Why? And clearly I too would get a spray tan before going on the show, but wouldn’t you do a trial run before showing up that orange?

Hum.
Christine-Bracelet girl. She gave JuanPabs a bracelet with his daughter’s name on it. Cute. But that’s about it. I could see myself doing something like that.

Nikki-Pediatric nurse. He is going to like her. No more doctor bills for Camila. She had JuanPabs feel her rapidly beating heart. This was just a ploy to get JuanPabs to focus in on her boobs. Done. She is a top contender.

Kat– Another stunning red dress. I just think he is going to like her. She asked JuanPabs to teach her to dance. Men like to feel like they’re in control… good move, Kat. Good move.

Lucy– the “Free Spirit” shoe-less cray cray. I mean, I partially get it. The shoe-less thing. Being a fellow tall-girl I have gone shoe-less in my day. But not on such a germ-infested floor! She’s going to catch The Clap! I am not sure what The Clap is but Bachelor Pad is also filmed at that mansion and I am almost certain The Clap goes around there. SICK! I don’t think I need to even mention the flower headband.

Lauren S.-The poor chick (barely) wheeled her way up on a  bicycle piano, absolutely winded, and probably a bit sweaty, and forgot to introduce herself. Whoops. Seems sweet, though.

Then there were some girls that were just “Eh.” Meeeeeh.
Chelsie is cute. Kinda quirky. Maybe trying a little too hard, but still cute.

And then, Clare, the prego chick made her entrance. And I will admit my eyebrow went askew before I looked how “pillow-esque” her bump appeared. Thank you baby Jesus for not bringing this show to a whole new level. Can  you imaging the girl dropping to the ground in labor?

Actually. Not a bad idea.
Renee– The sexy single mama! I like her! Rockin’ bod, similarities with JuanPabs and a little reserved. I don’t see much drama with her.

When Lauren H. had her little debut it was clear she is a smoker. That alone would turn me away. Plus, I have yet to see the girl NOT crying and who wouldn’t want to hang out with that? The girl met a guy only a year ago, got engaged, he dumped her over the phone and she’s still crumbling.  I mean, I get it. That would SUCK. But COME ON! You are on national television and you are now deciding to mourn your ex? Stop it!

Kelly, was last to exit that limo and her occupation said  “Dog Lover.” Does that mean she is really a housewife, without being a wife? So she’s a housegirl? With no wifely duties? So she is a housegirl who orders in?  Okay. She lives with her parents. Let’s hope she makes it to the hometowns!

Sharleen– I LOVE HER DRESS!!! And clearly, so did JuanPabs. He seemed to be smitten with her.

Andi– Bombshell lawyer. JuanPabs is definitely attracted to this girl. She is going to go far.

Now let the mingling begin- 
Lucy not only makes JuanPabs super uncomfortable by practically smushing her face against his, but she stuck her ClapFeet on his lap and you could tell he was just NOT into that.

Then Amy J showed off her moaning massage therapy skills by giving JuanPabs a rubdown. One long, oil-on-the-suit awkward rubdown. I am thinking Amy J really gets off on these rubdowns. No? Something was definitely happening there.

Lauren H cries. A lot. Like, over and over. On the first night. And when she finally gets her time with JuanPabs she doesn’t waste any time in vomiting her sob story. He feels no pity.

JuanPabs then complimented Sharleen’s dress AGAIN. He was wanting himself some Sexy Sharleen. So much so that JuanPabs decided to give her the First Impression Rose at the SAME time that she confessed to the camera that she’s just NOT that into him! She did accept the rose with a response of “sure,” though.
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Fast forward to The Rose Ceremony. 
The only thing worth mentioning, which was pretty damn big, is when JuanPabs said the name “Kat” and Kylie started walking forward.
HORRIFYING!
Here is when Kylie thought JuanPabs said her name. She so happy.

JuanPabs then said,  “Kat! I said Kat!”

Enter horrifying minute.

 
JuanPabs said “EEEEE…”

And all the other girls said “EEE…”

Kylie then awkwardly asked if he could take both girls and he contemplated it for a second before realizing he really didn’t want to keep Pepto and called Kat to accept the rose, ultimately sending Kylie home.

Ouch.
And the show closed with a bunch of crying.
The End.
***
On a side note, I was asked to play  in a Fantasy Bachelor league, similar to Fantasy Football, and of course I GLADLY accepted. We first had to choose our top 5 picks before the first episode aired, based on first appearances and profiles (on abc.com) alone.
These were my original top 5:
Alexis
Chelsea
Kat
Victoria
Andi
Before the second show airs we can replace three girls, if we choose. Since Alexis went home, clearly I will be replacing her. And I think I now choose Renee. Go mama!
As much as I think Chelsea is going to be a fighter/competitor, I think I will replace her with Nikki. Nikki just seems maybe more his type? Since, you know, I seem to know what that is and all.
So, going into week two, my 5 are:
Kat (Blonde bombshell)
Victoria (Quiet, sweet brunette. I chose her because there’s always one that completely takes you by surprise, just like Catherine did in Sean’s season. And I needed another Brunette.)
Andi (HOT brunette lawyer)
Renee (Sweet mama)
Nikki (Playful and competitive blonde)

So, that about wraps it up for this week! Thanks for hanging in there through all of this! I know you are a true fan if you made it all the way to the bottom!
* I do NOT watch spoilers as I think it takes away all the fun! So, if you know something ahead of time, please don’t share. Otherwise I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on the show!
Thanks for stopping by!