Something has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind and heart lately. For a while, actually.
And that is whether or not we should have another baby.
Before we ever had babies, The Hubby and I always pictured our future with three to four children. We both loved the thought of a big family with lots of commotion, laughter and love. I come from a pretty small family with one sibling, whom I love dearly, but I was always envious of those bigger families. The Hubby comes from a family with two brothers, he being the middle child, and he loves it. One thing he said he would change if he could would be to have his younger brother a bit closer in age. They are four years apart, making their lives pretty different growing up. Now, the difference isn’t very noticeable.
When we found out we were having a girl during our first pregnancy, I was through the roof. I cried so many happy tears. I knew I always wanted a girl at some point in our lives and to have one first took that pressure off.
When Gwyneth turned a year old The Hubby and I both just knew it was time to add to the family. It felt right. We were both ready. We couldn’t wait. We wanted our babes two years apart in school and made it happen.
And unexpectedly, we were blessed with a boy. I was SO surprised by this as I just assumed we would have two girls, that I again cried so many happy tears.I grew up in a family of all girls and that’s the way I knew life.
So finding out we were really having a boy seemed all too perfect.
After that things changed for us a little bit. We had one of each. We were blessed with experiencing what it would be like to raise a girl and a boy.
And once we realized how hard it is to actually raise these giblets, we started to ponder…maybe we are done? Maybe this is our family? Maybe we just move forward with life. Cal will be out of diapers soon, both kids sleep through the night, Cal is starting to communicate more… Life can just… go on…
Maybe we are a family of four and these two wonderful gems are it for us.
Some would happily call it quits in this scenario.
But, some would continue on with their original plan and keep the family growing. Even though the early years are pretty difficult, maybe they’re more focusing on what they want in the end…
Gwyn is in preschool, Cal will be before I know it, too. And then I am left with no babies during the day…
And then there’s the time issue; can The Hubby and I make enough for more than the two we already have? Will anyone feel left out?
And everything seems to be made for a family of four, as a friend pointed out. Cars. Hotel rooms. Booths in restaurants. Sure, things can easily be adjusted, I know this.
But maybe the added love, companionship and fullness of another child will outweigh all of that.
I was never one of those mothers who knew right away after having a second that I was done. Some are certain of it and just know their family is complete.
This was not me.
I also think that if I were one of these people, I would have cherished my last pregnancy a little more, knowing it was the last time. I would have cherished the laboring process (as much as one can) a little more. Those long nights of no sleep and exhaustion may have been a little more durable knowing it was the last time. Maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to “get through” those days as quickly if I knew it were the last.
There are SO many variables to consider!
So here are my questions:
If you don’t have kids yet or are a young family…
How many are in your family? Were you happy with the number? Did you ever wish it were different?
If you have an established family…
Did you know for sure when you were done? Do you ever wish you had more? If you did have more than two, what made you decide to have more?
Thank you in advance for any and all input! I literally think about this every. single. day.
Hi!
I had 3 growing up; an older sister and a younger brother. They are 10 years apart and I’m in the middle so we had some pretty big gaps. I loved having both of them, and I honestly never thought about wishing I had more or less. We were close then and are still close now.
As an adult starting a family very soon, I also hope to have 3 or 4. In what I’ve observed with other families that have kids, there is just so much love and fun and companionship between that many kids. There isn’t always one-on-one time with a parent, so they get attention and experiences from each other that is completely different than what they could get from a parent. It seems to me like it brings them closer together.
That being said, not being a parent yet, I have no idea! I’ve heard all different scenarios, and I guess we’ll just have to do what feels right for us. I’m sure you’ll figure out what feels right for you soon!
I love reading your posts, by the way. 🙂
Hi April!
I am really hoping our kids will be close to one another like you and your siblings. Yes, our thoughts started the same as yours before we had kids! We were thinking 3 or 4, but after having a girl and a boy the temptation of being done crept in a little bit! When you do start your family, keep me updated on what you all end up doing! And thank you so much for the kind words! I love hearing from “real” people out there! I never know who is reading. 😉
Oh Gosh! I am at this same point in life! I have a 6 year old daughter and a 13 month old son. My husband has proclaimed that the two we have are perfect and he is happy with just the two and I feel the same. BUT I am pretty sure I would feel like the family was just as perfect and happy with a 3rd (and secretly wouldn’t mind a 4th!). There is such an age gap in the first two that I think we should go ahead and add to the family when the youngest is two or so. I had just one sister growing up and I always wanted a bigger family. My husband had 4 other siblings so we are on opposite sides of the spectrum! Moral of my story is that I think that of I’m questioning wanting a third then I know I will continue questioning it the rest of my life…. I think I should start in on the hubby 😉
Glad to hear I am not alone, Haley! Your situation is a little unique in that your eldest is a little older! I am not one to give advice, but I say go for it! Haha! Maybe start hinting toward the hubby and hopefully he’ll jump on board!
Hey Shannon-
Good thoughts. I’m the youngest of 4 & we were all about 3.5 – 4 years apart in age. My wife was the oldest of 2. My wife & I always wanted 4, but we asked ourselves the same questions after child #2 & #3, that you’re asking now. We could’ve called it quits after two and life could’ve been “easier,” but we both really wanted a full house…and we got it. We wanted them close in age so we could be “done” when we were both still young, and so the kids could have the close sibling bond. We have 2 girls, 6 and 4, and 2 boys, 2 & 1 month. Our house is loud, slightly chaotic, and we love it.
During this last pregnancy, Jessica knew she was done and I pretty much felt the same. It’s weird, but the feeling was definitely different than we had for babies 2 & 3. We would have regretted stopping at 2 or 3.
One of the concerns can be that you won’t have enough love & attention to give to each of your kids. This can be true, depending on the lifestyle you want to live. That is something that you guys get to evaluate:) From personal experience, it’s much easier to neglect your spouse than your kids. If you stop at 2, or keep going, my advice is to keep investing in each other, because one day, the kids will be gone and it will be just the 2 of you again.
Hi Ben,
Thank you so much for your thoughts!
While pregnant with Cal, I didn’t have that feeling of being “done.” As I said before, if I did I think my mindset would have been a little different. So maybe that means something? I am not sure. And I agree in what you are saying about putting your wife first. My husband and I are trying harder to put each other first in our relationship and hoping our kids will see what a positive example that will be for them in the future in their own relationships.
I appreciate you chiming in! With four, you definitely have a unique perspective!
It’s funny how when you have a boy/girl combo people say, “oh, you have the perfect family.” Really? so a girl/girl or boy/boy isn’t perfect? And any more than 2 is imperfect?
I had been having the same questions that you are having and I was mourning not being pregnant ever again, (a little bit), and would our lives be better with one more? All of these questions.
I can tell you that while all of those statements are true that the world is built for families of 4 and if you add one more then the parents are outnumbered. But I can tell you that I worried and pondered and stressed myself out at times with this question, too. What I soon discovered was that if I wasn’t at peace with it then maybe I wasn’t ready for us to be just a family of 4. What I can also say is that having the 5th member enter into our family has brought out a different and amazing side of my oldest and has allowed my second to be an older sibling. What I can also tell you is that my 3rd is a complete combination of the first two and while I was pregnant with her I had my peace. I knew and I felt like our lives were finally complete. I used to have this feeling like we were missing someone.
While this is a decision that is only going to be able to be answered by you two, it’s definitely one that you will get strong opinions on..
A family of 5 fits just right in our car. 3 kids on a couch watching cartoons fit just right. One kid wrapped around each leg and one in your arms, is a perfect fit. You are one child closer for a family football/soccer/baseball game. It’s not a big deal having one more. I have to say, if you can handle going from one to two kids adding the 3rd wasn’t as much of challenge for me. Definite juggling but going from one to 2 was my biggest challenge.
I wish you the best of luck and I know you will decide what’s best for you and your family. But 3 is a good number.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, Robyn. I have enjoyed watching your family grow, experience and love one another as you continue to do so every day. You were in my exact same situation once and I looked forward to hearing what you had to say, so thank you! I really appreciate it, and you even made me tear up!
Oh Shannon, I can totally relate. Our decision to have #3 came a little easier because we had 2 boys and of course I had had only the one pregnancy. Even knowing that it was my last pregnancy still did not make it easy, I think it is natural for young women to have a hard time accepting that those baby making/baking years are done. Are we thrilled with our 3, yes! Is it easy having 3, no! I still have moments, moments of insanity, when I dream of 4! Good luck with your decision, I think it is one of the toughest that we make in this stage of life.
Thank you so much, Andrea! Yes, maybe that’s a part of it? Thinking that that stage of life really might be over? It went too quickly! I appreciate your input and thoughts! And I am not sure I follow on the one previous pregnancy?
I was an only child and really hated it. My hubby was the middle child if three boys, and he and his brothers don’t get along AT ALL. Because of that, we knew that one was out, and so was three…four seems like too many, so we agreed on two 12 years ago, and haven’t changed out minds! It was also an issue of providing for our kids…we never wanted to have to NOT take a family trip, or not buy our daughter Uggs, because we couldn’t afford to buy 4 pairs. We also really want to pay for our kids to go to college, which will be hard enough with just the two of them! In the end, we decided we’d rather live it up with two, than be stretched thin with four.
I am so glad you both are happy with your decision! It sounds like you both knew it from the start and felt that was throughout. I wish we were like that! We started thinking one way, and then it changed! Or did it? We don’t know! Ahh!
As you know I have 2 daughters; Micheala (9) and Kaydance (5) I wasn’t sure that two were it. I went thru a divorce and I am now engaged to be married again in April. In doing that I have added a son Mylez (6) to the mix. Its wonderful, and Mason and I both agree that we need (at least 🙂 ) one more for sure. (if God allows of course). I love having all the kids around, its awesome.
The idea of starting over because they are all in school and Micheala would be 10-11 years older than a new baby is a little donting but it is also exciting. I have learned ALOT being a mommy for 9 years now and I am excited at the idea of getting to start over again if you will, really cherish some of those things you mentioned. Thank you Shannon for sharing I don’t know if I have offered any help but at least you know my situation.
Christina,
Yes, I can see how starting “over” would be a little intimidating. But, you are starting a new chapter in your life and your older kids are going to cherish that little baby, even able to really help out due to the age difference. Congrats on the engagement, by the way!
Hi Shannon! Your post was so interesting to me, and I feel compelled to compare my feelings on this, with the hopes that you will soon find comfort and resolution. As you know, our #2 is due any day now! (Due date is actually Dec. 12… You asked the other day on IG. So you and Zach could technically be bday twins! ;)) From the moment I got pregnant this second time around, I felt a sense of satisfaction and peace, knowing it was my (our) last. I know it in the deepest part of my soul. We were done even BEFORE we knew it was a boy; we wouldve been done and happy with two girls! We’ve already been to a vasectomy consultation and set a date (tmi? lol). My point is not to gloat to you about how well I sleep at night because of this sense of contentment that both Eddie and I have with our decision. No no, my point in sharing this is to tell you that you deserve to experience this feeling too. It WILL come, whether its after #3, or 4 (… or 5, Haha!) If you are feeling uncertain or confused, then in my very humble opinion, based off of personal experience, it’s a sign that you do want more, deep down. I am telling you that there IS such a thing as knowing 100%, and you will know it when you feel it. Until then, listen to your heart. Xoxo
Hilary
Hilary,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is exactly the kind of thing I was referring to. KNOWING for certain when you are done. This is something I never felt when we found out we were pregnant with Cal, when we found out we were having a boy, when I delivered him, and maybe I felt it during some of those long, late nights, but nothing for certain. I am so happy for you guys in that you are about to complete your little family! That is very exciting and my goodness, you are so close! I wish you the absolute best of luck and can’t wait to hear how it all goes.
Again, thank you so much. I hope we find this peace at some point, too. 🙂
I’ve been thinking all these things for the past 1.5 years – how did you get inside my head?! My hubs wants 3 or 4, I have a daughter and a son (2 years apart), and all the things you said about diapers, travel, cherishing the second one a little more if you knew it was your last – are factors when trying to figure out if we should have 3. Seriously, everything you said runs through my mind every day! We were thinking of having the next one 4 years apart from my youngest, and then have one more 2 years after the third. You know, raise them in pairs. I’m still terribly undecided.
I’m so happy that you stopped by my blog and I stopped by yours. I’ll be following along to see what ends up happening!
Gracielle,
Thank goodness I am not alone here! I have come to discover there are more out there like us than I originally thought and I have really enjoyed hearing other people’s thoughts and opinions.
Are you guys set on having four? That is what we originally thought we would have! We are so on the same boat here! And goodness, all of this is stressful! I just do not have a clear answer. 🙁 I want to be one of those people who just “knows.”
I too am so glad to have found you, thank you for stopping by to say hello!
Hi! I can totally relate to your feelings… My husband and I always said 2 or 3, and after my second son was born I still did not feel DONE, despite him being the world’s worst sleeper for a year and having a lot of sibling rivalry issues between son #1 and #2, all of which was driving me crazy. We said we’d put the decision on the back burner and not even entertain the idea of a third until our youngest was 2 or 3. Then… I was totally surprised to learn I was pregnant when #2 was 15 months old! It was overwhelming because it’s changed the “plan” of our lives over the next few years, but with baby GIRL now due in a few months, I have such a feeling of completeness already and am glad fate intervened in this way. Although things will get even more crazy with 3 kids in a little over 4 years, when we look into the future we have the family we always imagined. Good luck with your decision, whichever you choose!
Lucy,
There is also something good about having them that close in age. They will always be at the same stage in life, you will be up to your knees in diapers for a while but then you will be done with them…. forever, and they’ll always have a playmate who is into the same things as they are!
We are at this weird stage right now. If we get pregnant soon, they will be 2.5-3 years apart. That’s the closest they can ever be and that’s starting to freak me out, too! But I just don’t feel ready yet, so if we do have a third I just have to accept that they’ll be a little further apart, which has its perks, too.
Thank you for sharing your situation! It make me feel good to know that there are others like me out there!
We have two. A girl and a boy 13 months apart. The first few years were HARD. Now they’re 3 and 4 and I couldn’t stop thinking about the third baby I had always wanted. Same feelings crept in…. are we done, how would the others feel, will I be too tired. We decided to try and see what happened and here we are expecting our third. If you can’t stop thinking about it you should go for it!