{"id":5513,"date":"2014-01-23T07:39:21","date_gmt":"2014-01-23T15:39:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ladyslittleloves.com\/?p=5513"},"modified":"2018-12-09T17:53:41","modified_gmt":"2018-12-09T17:53:41","slug":"finding-grace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livingwithlady.com\/2014\/01\/finding-grace.html","title":{"rendered":"On Finding Grace"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am going to write about something I have never written about before. Something that makes me a bit uncomfortable and something that I don’t often talk about, even with friends and family.
\nI didn’t really grow up going to church. We went on Christmas Eve and sometimes Easter, and I remember going with our grandparents for a while when younger, but it wasn’t an integral part of our upbringing. There were good reasons why, but that’s another day.
\nA couple of friends and I tried going to church a few times in high school, but that only ended in embarrassment. We just so happened to go on Ash Wednesday on one occasion and were running a few minutes late. When we arrived, the church was incredibly packed and the nice usher asked us to follow him to find some seats. As he walked closer and closer to the front of the room I began to sweat more and more.
\nHe didn’t stop, and kept walking right up the stairs onto the stage and led us to a bench right to the side of the priest!
\nI remember being in absolute horror as I looked up into the multi-level sea of people under the bright lights.
\nThere we were, under display for hundreds and hundreds of people to see as I pretended my very best to murmur the sayings and \u00a0move my hands in various motions that I hadn’t a clue to the meaning of. We were the first ones to get ash on our foreheads by the priest as he talked through why he was doing what he was doing, using us as examples, and I just wanted so badly to somehow magically disappear from that setting as quickly as possible.
\nAfter that, I never went back.
\nI had always thought about it, though, but just didn’t have the push or drive to carry through with my curiosities.
\nUntil…. I had my daughter.
\nI tried out a church back in our old town and liked it very much. I had such a deep desire to find a relationship with God that \u00a0I even joined a bible study group with my husband. \u00a0I would come home some nights and be in tears, though, because I just felt like I didn’t belong. That I was a phony. I didn’t “feel” anything from God and didn’t receive any signs that he was there, something I was desperately yearning for.
\nIt took some encouraging words from my husband to keep me going. He told me a story (and pardon me, I may butcher this) about a man who was out walking one day and fell into a ditch. Finding no way out, he prayed for God to come and save him. One day, someone walked by the ditch and eagerly offered to help him out, but the man in the ditch politely declined the offer stating that God was going to come and \u00a0save him. The next day, another man walked by the ditch and tried to save him, but the man again declined as he was waiting for God. This happened several more times before the man in the ditch ultimately died.
\nWhat the man in the ditch didn’t realize was that God was sending those men to walk by that ditch every day in an attempt to save him. The man in the ditch was missing God’s work in progress because he was waiting for something he thought should happen.
\nI feel like that is exactly what I was doing. \u00a0I was waiting for the heavens to part, the angels to sing and for God’s voice to be heard.
\nIn reality, that most likely isn’t going to happen, which is where faith comes in.
\nThis story really helped me not to be as discouraged and we continued to go, though I can say that my heart wasn’t 100% in. \u00a0And then life happened and it became hard for me to make it to church and the bible study group. Babies were born and needed me, and the evening times these events occurred at made it difficult. There were other things, too, and ultimately we stopped going.
\nA little while later we then moved to Spokane.
\nAnd I am not sure what changed, but during the first month or so that we moved here, we started going to a church, a very large church, that was fairly close to our house and was recommended by a few neighbors. At first it was intimidating. Walking into a place everyone else feels at home at is a hard thing to do. The music was loud, the seats were full and my kids weren’t thrilled to be left in the childcare.
\nBut, we kept going. And I was mesmerized. For the first time, I felt something. The music at this church is completely different than the music I remember from the churches I attended as a child. The performers (and I will call them performers because it’s almost like you’re at a concert, they are THAT good) are insanely talented and the music just does something to me. The pastor feels like he could be just a regular guy on the street, too. He cracks jokes, we can relate to him, and he uses real-life references. All these things we really enjoy.
\nThe real kicker, though, is that I have found that at every service, during the opening songs, I am flooded with tears. I feel an overwhelming sense just rush through my body and I am completely immersed as I am singing along and I sometimes can’t even make out the words anymore. Tears just rush down my cheeks, my nose stings and my throat is left with a giant lump.
\nI have no explanation for this.
\nBut, something is happening. And I want more.
\nAnd at the last service, I saw something incredible.
\nCommunion was being passed out while everyone was seated and music was playing. I looked over about 30 feet to my left and I saw a little boy, maybe eight-years-old, completely absorbed by the music. This made me smile and I couldn’t help but continue to watch him. With everyone still seated, he then stood up with his hands in the air and reached out to the Lord without a care in the world. And this brought immediate tears to my eyes. And then, his brother, or maybe friend, stood up next to him with his<\/em> hands in the air, and they both sang. And I just totally lost it.
\nThere these two young boys were, surrounded by those who were seated and they felt so compelled by the Lord that they didn’t care what anyone thought and they stood before Him with open arms.
\nAnd this was one of the most beautiful things I \u00a0had ever seen.
\nI am still on my quest to become closer to God and I still have many questions, uncertainties and doubts, but I know I am getting closer and my wants and desires are still very strong and my family and I finally feel like we are heading in the right direction with this new journey.
\nI know this isn’t my typical type of blog post, but I just felt compelled to share.
\nThank you for listening.
\n 
\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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