Open Chesty Coral Pants- Bachelorette Recap 9

Hello! Welcome to yet another bachelorette recap. I’m just going to jump right in and get started, here!

The episode begins with Andi de-robing on the beach and laying down like a golden goddess in the sand.

And it makes me shudder.

Can you imagine doing that on national television?

(Shudder)

Andi then starts the day with a one-on-one date with Nick and they (damn you, ABC) take a helicopter ride around the Dominican Republic and land on an island.

The first thing they do upon arrival is de-robe (Again!) and straddle each other in the water. And I can’t help but think of my mother, here. Like I would NEVER do this knowing she would be watching. Oye!

Then Andi brings up his past relationships since his family told her that he was heartbroken over a previous girl. And he plays it off that he was ignorant and that he really didn’t know love until now.  Except he can’t spit out the fact that loves her (or claims to) and to break the awkwardness they snorkel.

That night Nick wears coral pants and busts out a story he wrote for Andi. More like a fairytale. In coral pants.

Now, I am down with some color. But coral pants on a dude is a new thing for me. And it took me a second glance to realize it’s just not working.

His story is legit, though, with crayon art to accomplish. And surprisingly he can actually draw.

And my first reaction was Pff, come on, now.

And then he keeps reading and I think “Awwww, I want a book!”

This love story earns him a key to the fantasy suite.

Well played, Nick, well played.

He then takes her behind a tree and tells her he loves her. And then whispers his loves into her ear and she grabs the pockets of his pants to pull him closer. This girl is smitten.

Next up is the date with Josh Cubin and they explore Santa Domingo. And Cubin’s shirt is just WAY too open for me. Like I’d slap my husband if he ever showed up with a shirt like that.

They dance awfully in the streets, drink some aphrodisiac-type sex drink in hopes of a good night later, Cubin speaks Spanish and it’s hot, and then he laughs, which is SO not. Like i almost can’t stand it.

(Turn your volume up)

 

 

Then they play baseball with some local kids which is right up Josh’s alley.

He reminds Andi how much he loves her and I can only focus on one thing…

They talk about their potential future and wanting a house-full of kids and what life would be like and I just want to laugh in their faces.

I mean, dreaming is nice…

But reality is a whole different story.

This whole Bachelorette experience will END soon and life will be (somewhat) normal for these yahoos and I’d like to hear what they have to say after having ONE kid.

And then as Cubin is reading his offering of the fantasy suite I see perfectly uneaten I am sure incredibly delicious steak sitting on their plates un-touched

And it makes me hungry.

REAL hungry.

And I think, there is NO way if this scenario were my husband and I, that he would EVER get up from a table and leave a steak dinner on the table.

No matter how much he was in love.

Just wouldn’t happen.

He’d at least ask for it to be wrapped up.

I mean, aren’t they hungry?!

The last date is with Chris the Friend Zone Farmer and they ride horses. Andi is super nervous and states she doesn’t like riding horses so this was a great idea.

And again ABC straps a camera to show the WORST angle possible of Andi.

Chris the Friend Zone Farmer, on the other hand, is a natural.

They picnic and it’s just evident she does not have the chemistry she does with Nick and Cubin. Because for eff’s sake they play hide-and-seek in the flat land and it’s uber lame.

Fast-forward to the night portion of the date and the topic of her living in Iowa comes up again and she has a look on her face like “Mehhhhhh, I can’t go there.”

He’s professing his love to Andi and she bursts into tears and tells him that she doesn’t feel the same. And he just sits there like a sad little puppy dog.

As sad as it is, at least she is honest.

And Chris the Friend Zone Farmer remains Chris the Friend Zone Farmer.

Awwww.

And he sadly goes home. And his exit speech is sad.

The next day Andi walks out in a bomb.com dress.

I want to be on an island in that dress.

 

And no, she’s not 27 months pregnant, it’s wind.

Andi then speaks to Chris Harrison and says that she couldn’t be happier with the final two guys and I think she is an idiot.

She is thinking with her lady parts, not her  head.

And that was it!

So now, I think she will choose Nick. Because she is too hesitant about Cubin’s intentions.

What do you think?

Thanks for stopping by!